Relationships ....

Relationships ... As a child i was very sensitive about my relationships. Maybe coz i was shy , low on self confidence and that till the age of 10 i barely made any friends . I remember feeling this bond once when as a kid i had to go to Meerut to my grandmoms place by bus wih a co-passenger . Except when the journey ended the co-passenger walked off and we were back to being strangers again. I couldnt help wondering it if i just didnt have it in me to make a relationship work ? or maybe i was this unintresting bore who thought so much about himself , I wasnt sure as to what i had wanted ? Did i like being all by myself or to be in a relationship ? If i wanted to be in a relationship it would mean that i would have to change i wont like what i see every morning in the mirror there would be a lot of compromises and adjustments that i would have to make, and what guarantee is it that this relationship is going to be all good in short it is going to be a working relationship ??
What is a working relationship anyways .. it depends on where you start from if you aim at the stars then it means a relationship where both the partners are " happy " however if you tend to look at the ground it means a relationship where atleast one partner is happy ( isint it better to have atleast one happy instead of both of them being unhappy )
As i started analyzing myself as to why i couldnt make relationships work ? i decided i would go for a relationship where one person could be happy it could be me or it could be her ...
I decided onto this coz you know you keep your objectives low there are high chances they could be achieveable .. :) I thought to myself that it would be the best if my partner would be the who would be happy , coz when she would be happy i would be happy and maybe she would change herself to make sure that i am happy too....
To stick to this plan i decided to be more flexible , more open than i orignally was, the fact that i always had varied intrests has always helped. I started trying to understand what my partner was all about . Getting an insight in her mind , heart etc .. it is intresting to find so many new ways to do it . Every person is different and offers a different way to gain insight over her . Once i got to know that person , i started changeing myself to suit that person .... ! it was fun to see she discovering me , understanding me and haveing the same likes and dislikes .
To be fair here i wasnt really turning myself upside down under the wires of flexibility , it was more or less a course correction . DO NOT underestimate the power of course correction !! . We would still be sailing happily on the Titanic if the course correction had happened and offcourse there wouldnt have been any movie if that course correction had happened .. ..
The plan worked for me . I started to relise that i wasnt really bad at forming relationships , it had boosted my self confidence as well as makeing me relise that i wasnt a loser after all . It also helped to know closely some of the most amazeing women i have met in my short life .... :):)

All was fine until i met this new crop of modern , sensitive and smart women with a fair sprinkleing of traditional values. They asked me Apurv -- are you ok ? ... what do you want ? ... are you happy ?? I was stumped ! .. i dint know what to answer , i just dint know what was happeneing ? ... i needed to upgrade to a better software or a faster Ram/Chip or something . I wish i could be an airport announcer and say that "" the flight has been delayed "" and put off the microphone but NO .... I had to answer to these women, these women whom i am so attached to ... I answered them with a fake smile saying - i am happy if you are happy we want the same things its just that you are too frank about it .. maybe too vocal about it .. i am happy to see you smileing and happy .... I am not sure these answers satisfy them and i know the reason why , these seem to be superficial for their soul searching questions ... Surely after haveing a smoke or something i can come with something better (meaningful?deep?) rather than --- i am happy if you are happy .. ! ..

Except i cant , this is how i have chosen myself to be , this is the path i have taken ...
This is probably why they are in a relationship with me . I dont want to change back into a self-centered person who enters into a relationship as if i am entering into a contract where both the partners should know their roles . A realtionship is not a contract and it never will be a contract the more you try to control it the more it will slip away from your hand . It is like a small baby you say No to chocolates and she would want that chocolate only. She wants all that careing and loveing you have got . She is a bundle of joy though she has her own set of problems all you need to do is be a little more patient and not to loose your temper coz she could cry coz of that ....

I write this sitting in my balcony , with warm slow winds blowing across my face agreeing to whatever i have said today . I write this because being here alone all by myself makes me yearn for a relationship even more ... it makes me relise that what i am is because some of the wonderful spirits in life have and continued to rub off against me .. they have only got questions when it is my turn to give them answers , all i gave them were these seemingly unconvinceing answers . I dont think they love me for what i am as i love them for what they are

This is what matters to me and this is why we both are " happy " ... !